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Poore Richard’s Aphorisms for the Week of Our Lord, 19 February Two Thousand and Seven, which He must claim even if Dick Cheney does need a hook-up with Rush Limbaugh’s pusher. In the end, only one thing matters. And Halliburton bought it up 17 years ago. Poore Richard The Bush Iraqi War Strategy in far fewer words than he’ll use: The only thing better than losing is losing spectacularly and then blaming it on your critics. Poore Richard We were attacked on Nine-Eleven, Poore Richard No one knows your business better than you do – except someone who doesn’t know you at all. Poore Richard When destiny calls, it’s usually collect. Poore Richard Divorce teaches ex-wives self-sufficiency and new job skills. Such as pick pocketing. Poore Richard Divorce teaches ex-husbands truly valuable lessons – in self-loathing and premature alienation from their children. Learning to like beans helps, too. Poore Richard Symptoms of artistic and intellectual merit in America #3: Learning a foreign language, as in, “Would you like guacamole with those frijoles, seņor?” Poore Richard Every silver lining has its cloud. Thunderhead city. Poore Richard Every day has its dog. A big, slobbering, incontinent, smelly St. Bernard that takes up the whole damn bed and eats all your bologna. Poore Richard Life has a way of revealing that all those happy childhood fantasies of the future were just the product of an insulin induced delusional disorder brought on by the illicit ingestion of sugar laden lemonade mix when someone’s mom wasn’t looking. Poore Richard First comes love, Poore Richard Repaying your student loans: That time in life when you find out that being able to name all nine of the Muses and their respective spheres of influence isn’t going to get you that third job at Starbucks you need to buy canned ravioli this month. Poore Richard A word from this week’s sponsor, The Republican National Convention: “Shut up, eat your macaroni and cheese, and just be happy we allow you to breathe. If you behave, maybe we’ll allow you to have some kids who can grow up to shine our shoes. Thank you for your attention.” Poore Richard (for the RNC) |
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Richard Van Ingram
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