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12/19/1996
"I love the smell of Napalm in the morning..."
from Apocalypse Now
Degenerate RVI attacked Father Consumermass with an aluminum baseball bat editorial upside the head. Ol' St. Nic was reeling and bloody, though it was hard to tell in that red suit. A crowd gathered and mumbled their objections when degenerate DAC dialed 911 with this response:
This is not as clean and polished as the rhetoric from your recent Christmas Scrooge, but I hope you will accept it as an immediate reaction to the column I read. I realize the holidays drive everyone a little batty, but your editorialist needs to either lighten up or gain a new perspective. I take exception with that editorial for two reasons. One is that while your columnist sees the begging Santas and the hypocrisy of the church and charities, I, in my line see daily that they can do good and two, Christmas goes way beyond a story about the birth of Jesus, but if you to partake in that part of the holiday, their are certainly opportunities to do so.
Do I believe that Salvation Army and Red Cross take advantage of the holidays to bring in more funds; yes I do; but I've also been there when a flood hits Augusta or a homeless veteran needs assistance and witnessed them come through in a caring and compassionate manner. Families living from pay check to pay check that lost what little they had in a flood were given free rent, free furniture and free clothing immediately and without hassle. Not from the government, but from a private charity which didn't have to care but did. That doesn't mean there is not corruption in the upper ranks or that their executives are overpaid, but you take the good with the bad. Do I think the there is hypocrisy in the church; yes I do; but I also know that the ones I've been to lately are doing "real stuff" that makes a difference in peoples' lives. Like running shelters, and driving families to the prison to visit loved ones; volunteers sign-up sheets that are filled with eager people who are certainly rich enough to ignore the problems if they wanted to. They are volunteering to lend a helping hand to someone in need; you can sneer at if you want, but its a hell of lot more than I'm doing and if they do it because of their Christian ethical beliefs or even because they feel guilty in the holiday season, so what, they're trying to make a difference. I think instead of wallowing in the hypocrisy that Christmas most certainly brings, that your columnist needs to get his ass out the house and volunteer to help some of those sad, lost souls we humans have trampled. The Christian Christmas spirit is out there if you really want to find it. If you crave the peace the season proclaims then instead of dwelling on the negative and bemoaning the evils of mankind, how about you as human get out there and change the world. It has got to start somewhere and I believe you will be surprised at the good you will find.
But beyond that, forget the whole Christian part of the holiday if it offends you so much. You're right capitalism rings loud here in America. So what? Does that mean you can't enjoy the lights, the music, the good moods of all the shoppers. Does that mean you can't enjoy the food, the fellowship and yes, the tackiness, of the holidays. Give me a break! You don't have to believe to partake in the fun. I mean if Fred and me and Brud and Stan were going to sit down and try to invent a festival for the world, I suspect we'd come up with something like the Christmas Retail holiday. Guys in Red Suits, Tacky Lights, Free Gifts, Lots of Food--I'm not sure what exactly you're complaining about. It is indeed delightfully tacky but so what, get over it, enjoy it for the festival that it is.
As far as the reason for the holiday; that is the whole "birth of Christ" thing. Well, I gotta tell you, I don't agree with your columnist there either. I'll be the first to admit, that although I profess the Methodist faith, I've got some inner problems with the whole son-of-god thing. That's a real problem for a Christian and I'll work it out on my own. BUT
and this is the big point. It does seem clear from the historical texts available that many years ago there was this guy that walked the earth and he tried to do the right thing. He was indeed killed like a dog and from his death a new religion was born. But my friend, if you look closely at the beliefs, the values and the teachings of that religion, they are not bad. Sure, you've got hypocrisy out there and needless killing, but the philosophy behind the Religion is quite solid. When you skip from the birth of Christ to the death of Christ as your columnist has done without examining the impact that the life had, I think you miss the whole point of the story. You do not have to be a believer to take away from the Christmas story some important values. Once again, I say quit wallowing in the negative and get out there and do something about it. You're tired of the Christmas season huh? You just drive a delivery truck huh? Well I got news for you, you can still make a difference. Come see me at the o come talk with old warriors who have no family; I need help at homeless shelters and with escorting feeble patients to their appointments. Every re 80 or blind or homeless or dying of AIDS, who come in here and give of their time hoping that they can make some small, positive difference in someone else's life. To hear you, cursing in your truck at the evils of mankind is ludicrous. Get off your moaning throne if you want to experience the Christian holiday; Forget the hypocrisy--Let it go. And get out there and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Most respectfully,
degenerate DAC
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
The Degenerate Press staff was, as usual, at Dottie's on Tuesday night, shootin' pool and suckin' down beverages. Lots of degenerates were there, many confirming their plans to attend the 10th annual New Year's gig. A convoy was assembled to head over to the other favorite Tuesday night hot spot, the Star Bar. One degenerate, who shall remain nameless but is often a guest columnist in DP publications, decides to take the lead and charges forth in his tiny clownmobile, only to find the difficult intersection at Edgewood and Euclid to be too non-Euclidean in geometry - WHAM - hits a big concrete curb and sends his clownmobile flying through the air, trailing sparks and oil. It skids to a halt and the other convoy members gather round to confirm the pilot is OK. They and a bunch of nomads of the night push the crippled clownmobile out of the road, leaving a trail of oil, tire parts and other bits.
On to the Star Bar! (Yeah, this SHOULD sound familiar to long-time degenerate subscribers.)
Booty shakin' and wrecker calling precedes in earnest but a couple of degenerates are having one of THOSE conversations. They get to a difficult intersection at the corner of Friendship and Sex when - WHAM - they hit an impasse and the tiny relationship goes flying, trailing sparks and sweat. The rest of the degenerates gather round to confirm they're OK before pushing the wreck aside and letting them head their separate ways.
Wreck wreck wreck.
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