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1/21/2001

EAR PLUGS
Friday night at the Star Bar it was liquor in the back and polka in the front. Atlanta Polka Band, APB, climbed on stage all in purple tux shirts, a group of men in their silver-haired years, and cranked up the oom-pa-pa to a less than energetic crowd. It was as well done, for polka music, but the crowd just clapped politely. A couple of beers later heads started bobbing to the beat and one of the APB shouted out "OK, this dance floor is for dancing…"
Someone in the crowd yelled back "We don't know how to polka!"
The singer yelled back "ANYone can polka!!"
But apparently not just anyone really can. Several folks gave it a shot and came off looking like physics majors at a frat party. Eventually Marty, the Star Bar owner, came out and hopped around with his partner for one song just to show everyone how it's done. A few more folks gave it a shot but it was obvious nobody knew what they were supposed to be doing. At the bar, degenerate JN and I are having much more fun making polka jokes than making a joke of the polka itself. "Polka? I hardly knew her!"
Inspired by a group of (very) sexy people doing dirty polka dancing in front of us, we discussed casting for a polka porno and the hilarious movie names we came up with shouldn't be repeated in this sober light. But on stage the APB isn't missing a beat, they just charge on and each song gets more and more applause as the alcohol, or just the insanity of the scene, wears down everyone's inhibitions. Eventually it all led up to the orgy that was the chicken dance - the singer came out into the crowd to instruct everyone as they formed a circle around him and flapped their arms and shook their tailfeathers. To top that they did the hokey pokey, with three repetitions of the "put your rear end out" verse as the aforementioned beautiful girls were right up in front giving the band a show of their own. I feared one of the bandmembers might keel over from overexcitement 'cause even my comparatively young and sprightly self felt a bit faint at the sight. Fantastic.
What could top it?
Klezmer.
The New Orleans Klezmer All Stars got on stage as quickly as they could so the crowd didn't lose their energy and cranked right into the furious, desparate sound that is Klezmer. It's music that would work well on HBO's The Sopranos as a buildup to a murder scene. Unfortunately, nobody knew how to dance to Klezmer any more than they new how to polka so the brave few just thrashed around in front of the stage in manic glee. Around 2 they called it quits, then the clarinet and accordion players lept into the crowd for an unplugged set while everyone crowded around and clapped to the rhythm. I haven't seen a lot of shows posted for Klezmer and frankly that's our loss. In this post-modern age of retro fascination you'd think that, now that the swing resurrection has died, folks would be hungry for something fun and real. Or maybe there just aren't enough talented accordion players in town, or maybe just not enough Jews. Eh, for whatever reason, catching the New Orleans Klezmer All Stars was a rare treat.

BLASPHEMY
We got thiis report from degenerate MAC:
Dear Mr. Editor- This almost certainly won't get the same amount of coverage on CNN and the ABC Nightly Noose as the original hubbub did (the self-same hubbub that even smeared out onto your publication some months ago). I thought it would be good to report it here, if only for the sake of closure, and also because it shows my prediction to be accurate: that once the sane folks got jolted awake by the media circus, they would vote responsibly. Also, it is comforting and refreshing to see that the new board of ed. in Kansas may be deferring to the professionals instead of acting on their personal, religious (or even political) convictions. The moral of the story is: if you're sane, stay alert, and vote! From a news release from the American Institute of Biological Sciences:
"NEW KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD RESTORES EVOLUTION TO STATE SCIENCE STANDARDS - A newly elected Kansas Board of Education decided on 9 January to move forward to restore evolution to state science curricula. Final approval is expected at a Feb.13-14 meeting. It is expected that the revised standards will be accepted by at least seven members of the ten-member board. The new science standards would replace those adopted in August 1999 that omitted references to many evolutionary concepts. The Kansas City Star opined in a January 13 editorial that this reversal also signals that the state board will rely once again on professionals in education and research in making policy decisions. The standards to be considered by the board at its February meeting were written by a 27-member committee of science teachers and professors."

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