Dear Third World,
The natural resources you have been providing are entirely inadequate. Perhaps you haven’t watched cable TV for the last many months, but we’ve spilled much of our oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Have you no sympathy for our situation? I don’t know why you think we sent our armed forces to your country, but we here in America are suffering greatly when filling our SUV’s at the gas station.
And it’s not just oil we’re lacking. Gold, diamonds, coal, ivory, cocaine, and even bottled water are all quite expensive these days. It is as if you are hording these resources in a deliberate effort to hamstring the American lifestyle!
At great expense to our country, our soldiers and mercenaries have eliminated countless numbers of undesirable elements in your country (well, “countless” in that we cannot be bothered to count them any longer.) We have worked hard to install governments and corporations that will keep the goods flowing. Yet you still, on occasion, elect a leader that does not seem to understand the inherent superiority of our brand of capitalism.
I am sure the majority of you will understand when we have to replace these leaders. (Surely they are the result of an excessively vocal minority.)
Helpfully yours,
Mr. USA.
