Dear Third World #1

Camp Drunkalot inspires a lot of giggling, and it’s not just the controlled substances. Some of the gang are rather humorous, and combined we make a fantastic creative team. Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff we come up with shouldn’t be shared because A) I don’t remember it well enough to get it right, B) its only funny to us due to personal references, C) it is so politically incorrect you’d think we were even bigger assholes than we are.
But over the course of a long day of intoxicants we refined a couple of these jokes until we had them just right. (Actually, “that’s just wrong” is more apt.)
First up – Camp Drunkalot Complaints:

• The fire is too hot (often expressed as merely, “Fire hot.”)
• Ohh, the water is a little chilly this morning, or “Water cold.”
• The spot where I put my chair isn’t level, or “Spot crookedy.”
• Trail long. Hill steep.
• My floaty has a slow leak.
• The bottoms of my feet are dirty after playing in the river all day.
• Dammit, we made too much breakfast again.
• Dammit, we’re out of beer. All we have left is liquor and wine.
• One of you motherfuckers better eat this extra fucking smore.

One of the degenerates pointed out “If someone in another country, y’know, like the third world or something, heard us complain like this…”, inspiring us to push the idea to its illogical extreme.
So I present to you the first installment in what I hope will become a regular feature, to be read in the most pompous, arrogant, boorish tone you can possibly muster.

Dear Third World,
The flip-flops you have been sending are entirely inadequate. I don’t know how spend your three weeks of paid time off in your country, but we here in America often enjoy vacations in the mountains.

I had hardly begun my vacation when your product began to fail. After only two, perhaps three morning cocktails I left our camp to visit the picturesque waterfalls in one of our National Forests when I discovered these so-called “shoes” of yours do not hold one’s feet steadily. I found them nearly useless on any sort of incline, particularly in some of the rougher, unspoilt sections.

Furthermore, I was disappointed to find they are less than fireproof. How is one supposed to get a good fire going without the occasional prod? Do you not enjoy smores in your country?!? Am I expectd to get up out of my chair to stoke the campfire?

(I will not even being to address their aesthetic qualities, as I realize these are not designed to be worn in public. I am no buffoon.)

Please rectify this situation immediately.

Helpfully yours,
Mr. USA.